Director: John Luessenhop
Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, Scott Eastwood
Have you ever been told a joke that was so NOT funny you got pissed off at the person that told it to you because they stole 60 seconds of your life from you that you’d never get back?
Now imagine if that joke was 90 minutes long, then multiply your level of pissed-off-ness by ten and that’s how I feel about Texas Chainsaw 3D.
This movie was so bad that I could barely bring myself to write this review. However, that wouldn’t be fair to you, dear readers. So, as much as it pains me, here’s my synopsis and hateful thoughts about the film.
Texas Chainsaw 3D picks up essentially where Tobe Hooper’s original 1974 classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre leaves off. The Sally character makes it into town and tells the Sherriff that the Sawyer family of hillbillies killed all of her friends. So the Sherriff and a bunch of townsfolk head out to the Sawyer farm, kill all of the people left in the house and burn the place to the ground. A baby gets “rescued” from the chaos on that day and is raised by a couple of assholes—never knowing her actual roots. Twenty years later the lass (Heather) gets a strange letter from an old woman who has left a ritzy estate to her in her will. Heather heads off with a bunch of her friends to check the place out. When they get there, they discover that Ol’ Leatherface himself has been living in the basement of the big mansion all these years and he subsequently kills off the cast one by one until just Heather is left. In the end, Heather realizes that she’s actually a Sawyer, Leatherface is her cousin and the assholes running the town essentially murdered her whole family (albeit after her whole family ate a bunch of folks back in the 70’s). Anyhoo, Heather decides to turn over a new leaf and resigns to protecting Leatherface and living as the acting Matriarch of the Sawyer clan.
Let me start with my one—and one only—positive comment about this movie. The opening was actually pretty badass. It had the same dirty feeling that the original masterpiece has, and there’s some tasteful cameos right at the beginning. The always amazing Bill Mosely plays the role of the khaki-adorned “Old Man” from the original, and even Gunnar Hansen (the original Leatherface) shows up in the opening scene. After that the movie takes a nauseating plummet into the pits of shitty remakes—chalk full of lousy acting, continuity errors, and worst of all, computer generated special effects.
The first thing that I simply couldn’t look past was the timeline. This film supposedly takes place twenty years after the original, making the presumed year 1994, yet everyone is carrying an iPhone. Aside from that obvious piece of fuckery, the girl looks like she’s 17, is supposed to be 20, and should technically be 40 if we’re following the true timeline. Other parts of the storyline are so grossly unbelievable that I had to physically restrain myself so I wouldn’t shut the damn thing off. For example, there’s a scene where the too cool for school deputy is going to investigate the house, and the mayor has him whip out his iPhone and hold it up as he walks through the place. Wouldn’t you know it, we see him attacked on the video footage. The ending is so absurd that I didn’t know whether to cry or cheer that it was finally over.
For a Texas Chainsaw movie the gore in this one sucks—plain and simple. Some of the best potentially gory scenes are done in C.G. and the few practical effects left are done cheaply.
In short, Texas Chainsaw 3D sucks at level few films achieve in my eyes.
To you film makers out there, I’m begging you. Please stop “reimagining” classics.
(only because of Bill Mosely)
(You get plenty of limbs removed. And by limbs I mean computer generated ones.)