Tyson

Hello everyone.  My name is Tyson, and I’m a horror-holic.

Aside from being devilishly handsome, I thought there’s more info some of you may be aching for (or not, in which case you can kiss my ass and move on to our reviews).  I was born and raised in an extremely small Southern Illinois town.  How small?  I often refer to The Crazies as the perfect example of the town I grew up in.  Or, even though it’s cliché, Haddonfield.  My family was VERY Italian, and sunk roots in this country 100 years ago via the grocery business.  My introduction into the horror film genre came at a very, and some would argue inappropriate age.  My parents thought it wise to frequently leave me in the care of babysitters who, like any other “hip” 80’s teen, watched a lot of 80’s horror.  One of my earliest memories is of watching the Nightmare on Elm Street series with my Uncle Todd, who has been more of an influence on me personally and professionally than he’ll ever know.  However, the pivotal point in my horror upbringing came by way of another babysitter, when she introduced me to Friday the 13th Part 5:  A New Beginning (SIDE NOTE:  This is by far the worst of the F13 series, so it’s a wonder I didn’t grow up fucking hating Jason Voorhees and the series.  Thank God I had an open mind, even at the age of 5 {yes five}).  However, I also had some very cool parents so I was able to rent Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter soon after and instantly fell in love with the series, and the horror genre as a whole.  From age 5 on I was subjected, voluntarily or otherwise, to an onslaught of 80’s slasher movies and this remains my favorite horror sub-genre to this day.  I soon learned that apparently the other kids my age were not subjected to, or allowed to see, these same films.  I would have friends sleep over at my house and be absolutely baffled that they would bawl in fear after watching Fright Night (which is one of my all-time FAVORITES!) I mean, the vampire is Prince Humperdink for Christ’s sake!  All kidding aside, I’ve met Chris Sarandon and had him autograph a sketch I did of him as Jerry Dandridge and the man is as sweet as can be.  At any rate, I quickly realized that either 99% of the kids my age were total pussies, or maybe I was light years ahead of my time when it came to appreciating horror flicks.  Through my Junior High years I jumped on the bandwagon with everyone else and watched the summer blockbusters (i.e. Jurassic Park) and enjoyed them, but I constantly found myself gravitating back to Halloween sequels and sad, but commendable attempts during the early 90’s like Wishmaster.  Again, my town was miniscule so the local theater owners really didn’t enforce age restrictions on R-rated films, which was fucking awesome in retrospect, given today’s uptight standards.  (SIDE NOTE:  I tend to swear a lot in my articles, but the profanities I weave come nowhere even close to what our Merry Brazilian friend, Silvia is capable of.  If I offend you, please spend some time with her and you’ll realize that my verbiage is virtually that of a Disney film compared to the abhorred filth that spews out of her mouth, but this is part of the reason I adore her).  Anyway, eventually I started appreciating the classics like Psycho, and Rosemary’s Baby, but my heart was always with gore and slashers.  Like any true nerd I also got deep into music, and eventually paid my first couple of years of college on a music scholarship playing jazz.  I continued to supplement my late teens with a steady diet of horror flicks and eventually got the bright idea to join the Army.  I owe a lot to my experiences as a Military Police officer, and a lot of the great things in my life are results of my time in the Army.  Including the love of my life, Rachel.  She’s a horror fan’s dream.  While I wouldn’t categorize her as a “horror nerd” she certainly accepts my tastes in movies and is willing to try just about anything when it comes to horror films.  If she’s appalled by anything she never makes a big deal about it—it’s simply out with the IPhone and she buries herself in an epic round of Candycrush until the movie is over.  I could start a complete other Blog on reasons why my wife is amazing, but suffice to say that she’s pretty frigging awesome.  After the Army I finished my college degree in Marketing and eventually found myself in the Sunshine state, working alongside a couple of degenerates named Chris and Silvia, who I soon discovered are as twisted as I am.  We spent several years having closet conversations about all things horror and then one day one of us (pretty sure it was me) suggested we start a Blog so that we can all become filthy rich writing about the stuff we love.  One thing led to another and on a drive back from the beach, via texting, the Nerdcronomicon was born.

I think that Chris, Silvia and I all bring something different to the table in terms of our personal preferences, and our writing styles are all pretty diverse as well, so hopefully we can provide you all with a gauntlet of material for your entertainment.  We’re all very excited about getting this Blog up and running, and welcome your constructive feedback.  In closing, here’s some additional trivia about me that Silvia insisted we all provide:

1.        Favorite Scary Movie of all time and why:  Unlike Silvia, this one is NOT a hard one for me.  While I enjoy a wide variety of horror films, including the often boring and “high-browed” atmospheric haunted house flick, as I previously mentioned I love gore and specifically, 80’s slasher movies.  With that, my all-time favorite is Friday the 13th Part 3.  This is for several reasons.  First off, the film is done in 3D, which I didn’t appreciate at the time, but is fucking awesome today, even if it’s cheesy.  Secondly, and most importantly, this is the first film in which Jason Voorhees is seen donning his infamous hockey mask.  Although I had seen a couple of other F13 films prior to this one, Part 3 was the first one that actually rendered me giddy at the end.  I adore this movie.

2.       Likes and Dislikes:  80’s slashers (have I made that clear yet?), good music (specifically great soundtracks), good food, good booze, good friends.  I have the attention span of a lawn sprinkler, so I usually have a new passion every few years or so.  Most recently I’ve jumped into the practice of Shaolin Kung Fu, but I’m also insane about Bass fishing and cooking.  I hate snakes, Tequila, and the majority of reality T.V.  There’s a lot of other things I can’t stand, but I’m trying to embrace the mental side of the Kung Fu I practice as well, so I try not to openly “hate” a whole lot these days.  However, if you turn your hazards on in the rain or order white wine with a Ribeye you can consider yourself my arch nemesis.

3.       First time scared S**tless:  This one is a piece of cake.  Pet Semetary.  I was 7 and it was Super Bowl Sunday.  I watched the movie, which was brought by a babysitter of course, and subsequently didn’t sleep a wink that night, threw up at school the next day, and spent the next several years needing psychological therapy.  I’m fucking serious.  I would see the creepy sister, Zelda, with her twisted meningitis spine everywhere.  I’m talking literal hallucinations.  I used to have nightmares that my little sister was possessed, and that a crazy old witch was locked in the town water tower, which, creepily enough, is an identical dream to one my mother had as a child, but more on that in a future article.  I haven’t seen this movie again in the last 24 years.  However, it is in my Netflix instant queue and I plan on viewing it again and reviewing for all of you readers.  But only if Chris and Silvia watch it with me.  And I have a lot of Scotch on hand.  And maybe a Priest.

4.       Favorite Horror BookSalem’s Lot by Stephen King (ironic, huh?  Given my “scared shitless” entry?)  Anyway, I love vampires, and this one is orgasmically awesome.  I first read this one when I was in college.  I checked it out at the Library—yes, some folks still know what these are.  My wife was working midnights at the time and we had a wicked blizzard coming through our little town.  I had driven her to work in her car, as she had the 4 wheel drive vehicle.  As soon as I got back to our little apartment, the power went out.  Like any well prepared horror fan, I quickly poured myself a glass of Scotch, lit a candle, and proceeded to read Salem’s Lot cover to cover over the next 13 hours or so.  We’re talking the unabridged version my friends.  It’s the only time I’ve ever read a book in one sitting.

5.       Best All-time Horror Character:  Jason Voorhees.  To each their own.  I love him.  Kane Hodder is my favorite actor to have worn the mask.  Ted White and Richard Brooker get honorable mention.  Ken Kirzinger can suck it.

6.       Scariest Place I’ve Ever Been:  This is actually the one that is the hardest for me.  However, after careful deliberation I can narrow it down to the following 3 places, in order.

 

  1. The waiting room at Orlando Regional Medical Center, while my wife was undergoing brain surgery.  I won’t go into any more details, but this particular episode in my life was scarier than anything else I’ve ever experienced.
  2. The road between Baghdad International Airport and the Green Zone, during my first night in Baghdad, 2003.  Unless you’ve been in a combat zone there’s no explaining this one.
  3. Now, more relevant to this particular Blog:  a house.  An abandoned house in the middle of the woods Southwest of Centralia Illinois to be exact.  My first job was as a stockman for Wal-Mart and a coworker had told me about this abandoned house that looked “just like the house from the end The Blair Witch Project.”  He told me a story about some of his friends that had gone out there, and found a bunch of Devil worshiping shit in the house.  He said there was an old tuxedo that one of the kids took and brought to a local psychic.  Supposedly the psychic freaked out and kept saying “the house wants the Tux back.”  That night the friend wrecked his car and guess what was on top of all the wreckage?  The Tuxedo.  The kid lived and supposedly put the Tuxedo back in the house.  I took all of this with a grain of salt but asked to see the house for myself.  My friend agreed to take me and a couple of lady friends to the location.  We parked down a country road and walked a long way into the woods.  Eventually we came upon a two story house that, honestly, looked like the house from the end of The Blair Witch Project.  On the first floor was a living room with an old ass player piano, with a pentagram drawn in spray paint above it.  All the windows were busted out and tree branches were growing INTO the house.  The really weird shit was upstairs though.  Upon ascending the stairs to the second floor, we came upon a solid foot of books and letters on the floor, the most recent of which was dated almost 80 years earlier.  There were animal bones hanging from wires on the ceiling, along with a rusted mattress spring.  I knew then that this place really WAS used for some type of occult practices.  On one of the walls hung, in all its tattered glory, a Tuxedo.  I know this all seems like horse shit, but I have pictures laying around somewhere, and I’ll post them in a follow-up article later on.  We left the house and all agreed it had been creepy as shit.  Years later I heard a rumor that the house had been torn down because too many people were trespassing and there were FUCKING RATTLESNAKES NESTING IN THE WALLS!!!  This last little tidbit is enough to make me pass out.  Anyway, I’ve been on a lot of ghost tours in a lot of really heavy locations, but nothing compares to the feeling I got when I explored the old abandoned farmhouse.

One Response to Tyson

  1. Pingback:Top 10 Movies That Have Scared the Hell Out of Me (or at least modified some kind of behavior for at least a day) | The Nerdcronomicon

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